She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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