i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
