There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
