that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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