mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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