you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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