shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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