Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
