dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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