6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
