Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
