Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
