I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
