don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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