Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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