only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
