Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
