im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
