you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You are a genius and a whore.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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