you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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