if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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