i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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