you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
