She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
