Welp...herpes.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
