i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
No more Irish car bombs ever.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
