Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
