I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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