He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
