so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
