Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
