Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
