You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
