his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
