Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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