True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
