you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
