she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
