if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
