Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
