thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
