I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
