omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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