I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
