I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
