omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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