This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
