I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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