did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
