The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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