based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
