Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
